Responsible for What I Say and Do

They’re tucked away in various nooks and crannies of our homes; the lock of hair and the baby’s first Nike sneaker in the nightstand drawer, the dried corsage and the stack of report cards in the plastic “memory bin” in the attic. I’ve even got my Girl Scout sash, with its rows of badges, signifying my early adolescent expertise in cooking, sewing, bird-watching and music. As I reflect on my days as a Brownie and Girl Scout, the words of our shared promise come easily to my lips. “On my honor, I will try to do my duty to God and my country, to help other people at all times, and to obey the Girl Scout laws.”

From the distance of half a century, I can still see the influence of that pledge and its encouragement to be courteous, service-minded, loyal, thrifty, friendly, and kind. Those values took root in my life as a child, giving guidance as to how to live in community. True confession, though: I did have a struggle with the “friend to animal” rule, as I was bitten by a dog as a young child and wasn’t too fond of the less-than-friendly canines in our neighborhood.

The Girl Scout laws have now been reframed to urge the girls to be honest and fair, friendly and helpful, considerate and caring, courageous and strong, and “responsible for what I say and do.” Yet how do we do that? How do we choose our words and actions wisely, taking responsibility for honesty and fairness? As children, we’re influenced by what we see at home, what we learn at school, through the tenets of our faith and the lessons of our scouting leader or our soccer coach. But for many of us, those lessons came more than a few years ago. How can we be “responsible for what I say and do” in our grown-up world?

Putting on my Ann Landers/Dear Abby hat, here are some possible tools. Rotary International calls their model the Rotary Four Way Test. “Of the things we think, say or do, is it the truth? Is it fair to all concerned? Will it build goodwill and better friendships? Will it be beneficial to all concerned? True, fair, building up instead of tearing down, of benefit to all. Think about your most recent pronouncement to your co-workers, or to the kids or grandkids. Do your words meet this test?

My friend Janice keeps it simple with the three-letter reminder: NEU. She asks: Is it nice, is it encouraging, is it uplifting? A practical measuring stick for sure. Personally, I prefer “kind” to “nice,” because I have experienced niceness with an “I really want to stab you in the back” flavor. Elizabeth Gilbert suggests that “niceness is a social construct – a mannered way of keeping things polite,” as you can be nice “through clenched teeth and strained nerves,” i.e., the waitress with the rude customer. Kindness, Gilbert says, runs deeper. “Kindness never patronizes, never puts on an act, never judges, never blames.” A lofty goal for sure, but if you can’t be kind, at least be nice. NEU or KEU, it’s an easy rule of thumb to test our words to each other.

It’s a struggle to be considerate and caring on a regular basis. I’ve had days when I think back to an interaction, in person or even on social media, with the reaction, “Boy, I really blew that response.” The rearview mirror is the place to start, as we get so bogged down in a pattern of communication we have trouble seeing our own lack of responsibility for our actions and words.

I’m glad when I catch myself in the act, feeling the twinge of guilt when I’ve said something unkind or discouraging to another, so I can take back my words. But at my best, I want to engage my mind before my mouth, resulting in kind, nice, encouraging and uplifting interactions.

I may not wear my Girl Scout sash in public any longer, but I strive to wear the character that began to form around the friendship circle and campfire. To uplift, to encourage, and to serve: that’s my motto and pledge for today.