From Seasons: A Woman's Calling to Ministry
CONNECTIONS
Who else but a woman listens with
sympathetic nods,
wraps us up in a woolly afghan, fixes us
lunch,
bakes our favorite cookies, and makes us
a bottomless cup of tea?
Our best friends are part mother,
sister, saint;
they know our souls and love us into our
strengths and despite our weaknesses.
Holly Larsen
Holly Larsen’s words bring me back to a time in life when
these same words brought me to tears. Larry and I had spent five years in a
demanding inner city church and community center, and I came to the end of that
time with the recognition there really wasn’t anybody like that in my life. I
described it in this way: there was no woman that I prayed with on a regular
basis, no woman who held me accountable for my family and ministry, no woman to
whom I could confess my sin, no woman who could accept my tears or share my joy
at any depth – not even a woman I could just hang out with.
I don’t believe it was intentional – after all, I was
around lots of people every day, I was absorbed in a difficult but rewarding
ministry, I was involved with my children, I had a few friends within the
Salvation Army, and life was going on – but as I look back honestly, I was
extremely isolated.
I wasn't alone in this experience. Lynne Hybels, wife of
Bill Hybels, prominent pastor at Willow Creek, expressed it this way:
So for years I
lived in isolation. I lived outside community; I lived without a tribe. And I
suffered for that. I needed women to listen to my pain and honor my tears. Then,
I needed women to tell me it was time to dry my tears, get off my . . . chair .
. . and do something . . . I needed women to say, "You have gifts, and you
feel strongly about certain things, and we are not going to let you withdraw
from life. You need to show up." The best thing I ever did was tiptoe out
of isolation and join the circle of women.[i]
Like Lynne, I tend to be a private person, but as I
pondered where I was and where I was going, I resolved that I was no longer
willing to live life in such a lonely way. At that time, I was reading Lewis
Smedes Caring and Commitment, who described so well what I needed:
The trick is to
find a real community, not an insider’s club. Not a group that makes believe it
is a community, just because everyone recites the same creed. But a community
where people care enough to give each other permission to be strugglers, wounded
strugglers, who are hanging on to their commitments by their fingernails. A community
that cares enough to permit people to fail helps people dare to reveal their own
struggles, including their failures as well as successes.[ii]
I wrote those words in my journal and made them my prayer:
Lord, help me to find that sense of community in my life, let me make myself
vulnerable to others so that they will know my heart and I will know theirs. God
was very gracious to me in bringing people into my life who became community
for me, scattered though we were, and limited as our time together sometimes
was.
Built for Relationship
Studies on the subject of the differences between male
and female echo the theme that women are more relationally connected than are
men. Jean Baker Miller writes that “women’s sense of self becomes very much
organized around being able to make and then to maintain affiliations and
relationships." She explains:
We all begin
life deeply attached to the people around us. Men, or boys, are encouraged to
move out of this state of existence – in which they and their fate are
intimately intertwined in the lives and fate of other people. Women are
encouraged to remain in this state, but, as they grow, to transfer their
attachment to a male figure. [iii]
Barbra Streisand was right in her basic assumption: “People
who need people are the luckiest [most blessed] people in the world.”[iv]
This desire and need for relationships is not wrong and does not inevitably
lead to co-dependence – is it a natural strength of women, especially if we
follow Miller's counsel as she encourages women to “choose relationships that
foster mutual growth.” [v]
Researcher Carol Gilligan also addresses the belief that
women approach life differently than men, and describes that approach in this
way: “Identity is defined in the context of relationship.”[vi]
Larry Crabb suggests that “a woman is less centrally focused on achievement as
a means for feeling complete . . . More, she tends to value giving something of
herself to nourish relationships and deepen attachments. Her focus is less on
going into the world and more on entering a relational network.”[vii]
While these are general observations, we are designed to be relational, and
when that design is ignored, we wake up one morning alone and weep, unless we
have numbed ourselves so much as to be dead inside.
Women from the Word
I often wonder what it might have been like to have been
a part of the gospel story. Sneaking a look into the Bethlehem stable, watching
from the shadows as Jesus intervened in the stoning of a woman, being caught up
in the Palm Sunday euphoria: what an experience. But what an opportunity it
would have been to be one of the women who traveled with Jesus. They always
seemed to be together. They show up in the narrative from time to time, these
named and unnamed women who ministered to Jesus. In the ten times these women are
mentioned in the gospels, only once was the woman alone (Mary Magdalene at the
tomb in John 21). All of the other times they were side by side. Just as women
today need each other, it would appear that the women of the gospels, who had
the privilege of serving their servant Lord Jesus and caring for his needs, did
so as women together in relationship.
We have minimal information about them. Some were named,
such as Mary Magdalene, Salome, Mary the mother of James and Joses, the mother
of Zebedee’s sons, Mary, the wife of Clopas, Joanna, the wife of Cuza, Susanna,
and Mary, the mother of Jesus. Others were anonymous, unnamed for history, but
known to each other – and to Jesus.
Whatever these women did, they did in a group, perhaps as
encouraged by the culture of their day. We see them first as they served
together. Luke 8 tells us the twelve were with him, and also some women who had
been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene), Joanna the
wife of Cuza, the manager of Herod’s household, Susanna, and many others. These
women were helping to support them out of their own means. As Matthew 27:55
tells us, “they had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs."
“To care for his needs” was not a small task. It is
likely they arranged for housing for Jesus and the twelve named disciples, as
well as “the many others." There were many meals to cook or to arrange for
(with no local supermarkets), water to carry, and clothing to wash and mend. Perhaps
one or two of them traveled ahead of the group, smoothing the way for the
disciples through the contacts they had in the various villages.
As Jesus moved toward the culmination of his journey to
the cross, these same women watched together. Matthew 27:55 reports that “many
women were there (at the cross), watching from a distance . . . Among them were
Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee’s
sons." Mark 15:40 indicates that: “Some women were watching from a
distance. Among them were Mary Magdalene,” while John 19:25 reports, “Near the
cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas,
and Mary Magdalene, Mary, the mother of James the Younger and of Joses, and
Salome. In Galilee these women had followed him and cared for his needs. Many
other women who had come up with him to Jerusalem were also there.”
These women mourned together as well, as seen in Luke
23:27: “A large number of people followed him, including women who mourned and
wailed." I can picture them huddled together, perhaps holding hands or
leaning on each other. The word “keening” comes to mind, a deep, deep sorrow
spilling unchecked from the very center of the women. And as they mourned, they
waited together. Luke 23:55 tells us that “the women who had come with Jesus
from Galilee followed Joseph and saw the tomb and how his body was laid in it.
Then they went home and prepared spices and perfumes." We can imagine
their conversation together was muted, but also one of wondering, waiting to
see how God would move.
These women also bore witness together. Luke 24 places
Mary Magdalene and the other Mary, Joanna and others at the tomb, hearing the
report of the angel and seeing the empty tomb. Matthew reports that Mary and
Mary Magdalene were there, Mark 16 adds Salome to the group, while John speaks
only of Mary, although her use of the word “we” (John 20:2) suggests someone
else with her, and John’s snapshot of the encounter between Jesus and Mary doesn’t
preclude the possibility that others may have been there before or after. They
saw what they saw, and then went to tell, having their witness questioned by
the disciples.
While this is not conclusive evidence that these women
shared a special relationship, it is likely that in the midst of their work
(serving, watching, mourning, waiting, anointing, witnessing) they came to know
each other and to value the sisterhood they shared. I know that when godly
women spend time together, either in work or in waiting, they move toward each
other in their faith, and I would be surprised if these biblical women did not
use much of their time together to pray and to share in spiritual conversation.
We have the opportunity to be their sisters in our relationships with others if
we are able to claim the courage to do so.
The Danger of Isolation
We may desire to have connected relationships, but we are
hampered in the coming together by the reality that life in church leadership
is isolated by nature. We’ve heard the cautions: don’t get too close to the
people in the church, don’t let them call you by your first name, you know you
have to be careful about staying in touch once you leave, so why get close now?
You may need to discipline them in some way, you might get entangled with their
stuff, remember your boundaries. There is wisdom in using care in
developing relationships within the congregation, but if we are serious about
inviting community, there must be a willingness on our part to offer ourselves
to those we worship with. We cannot allow “the structure” to keep us from
developing deep mutual relationships.
Beyond that, women who are able to nurture and sustain
close relationships with other women are healthier in their souls. They are
better able to see their own foolishness and sin, as well as to be encouraged
in their ministry and family life. Having experienced wonderful friendships
over the past few years, I couldn’t imagine going back to the place where I had
been, in that painful, self-imposed isolation. I am so blessed to have friends
who are described by Groeschel: “When the dark recesses of our spirit become
manifest, we especially need at least a friend to share our fears, and assure
us that ours is not an uncommon experience."[viii]
Loyalty, Care, and Claim
Smedes defines committed friendship as having three major
characteristics. First, committed friends are loyal. “Loyalty,” he says, “is
the consistency that gives friendship a toughness to survive when it costs a
person something to stick with a friend.”[ix]
It is also about caring. “If I care for you as my friend, whatever happens to
you happens to me, when sadness hits you it hits me too, when tragedy wallops
you, it wallops me, when something terrific happens to you, I celebrate no matter
where I happen to be."[x]
Third, friendship is about accepting a friend’s claim on us. We spend time with
them, we come to their rescue, we bake their favorite kind of cookie or babysit
when they’re in a bind, just because. We belong together.
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
“Pooh,” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw.
“I just wanted to be sure of you.”[xi]
Objections
I hear the objections starting. I know what they are,
because I have used them all. I don’t really need anybody like that – I do
OK on my own. I don’t have time. My church just doesn’t have anybody in it I
connect with. I don’t know how to meet people I can have that kind of
relationship with. I don’t know who I can trust. I don’t think I can risk it.
If I develop those kinds of friendships, it will hurt too much to dig up the
roots when we have to move. Let’s look at these one by one, and debunk the
myths involved.
We Need Each Other
The belief that as women we can get along without friends
is not wise. Ruth Senter reminds us: “It is fantasy to believe we will always
be strong. Even the strongest among us will someday face something that will
cause us to wilt like a daisy in the sun. Sooner or later, something will drain
the self-assuredness right out of our veins. Then what?"[xii]
Josselson puts it in a different light:
Male development
is hierarchical, like a pyramid. Throughout their lives men are concerned with
ascendancy and self-protection in conversation and life. Female development, on
the other hand, is interconnected like a web. Women disclose, making themselves
vulnerable in order to anchor their lives in relationships with men, children,
and other women.[xiii]
We
may think we can go it alone, and may be able to for a time, but we really do
need each other as women of God.
Time
I don’t have time. I’ve said it, too. While I was at the
Cleveland Hough center, I just didn’t have time for working on relationships –
there was always so much to do – but I paid dearly for that misguided decision.
If I had been less isolated, I would have been more effective in my ministry. That
was the bottom line I failed to recognize until it was time to leave that
assignment.
Developing and maintaining friendships of worth is
time-consuming. There is no getting around that. I learned to set aside on
average at least two hours a week for this, and over the years those
friendships have become an absolute lifeline to me. It may involve phone calls,
lunch at a halfway point, or late night coffee, but it is time well spent. If
you seriously believe that you cannot spare two hours per week out of 168
(1.2%), I would urge you to consider what else you may be giving two hours a
week to: television re-runs of Law and Order (a temptation to be sure!), a
manicure, reading, work at the church that someone else could possibly do, and
ask whether that activity takes the place of what connection with another
believer can bring to your heart and mind. And by all means, keep in touch
through e-mail, cards, social media, phone calls – even long distance
relationships can be enriching.
Nobody Home
There is nobody in the church that I connect with. This may be
true. I am not suggesting you will always locate the kind of spiritual friend you
desire within the local congregation, and when you do, there are certain
limitations on that friendship to consider. Dual relationships is the term used
in counselor training, which raises concern when there is an unequal power
differential in the relationship, or when you have supervisory responsibilities
over someone else. The dilemma is that if we truly desire for our people to
develop true community with each other, then we cannot hold ourselves aloof
from them. Each of us must wind our way through the relational maze, but a
Christ-honoring love is one that is not shared from “above,” but one that comes
alongside.
The wisdom of Isaiah 54:2 rings true: “Enlarge the place
of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your
cords, strengthen your stakes." It may be necessary to widen your circle
of acquaintances in your community to find someone to call friend. You may discover
that friend in a ministerial association, a young mother’s group such as La
Leche League or MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), a class you take, or a support
group. Perhaps she will be your hairdresser, your child’s teacher, or a
football mom. She may be a clergy member who is just as hungry for
relationship, or an employee in the church office or denominational
headquarters.
While this relational concept is helpful in friendship
evangelism as well, you need to have at least one person in your life who
shares the faith experience that you do, so keep looking until you find someone
who “clicks” with your spiritual needs, interests and experience. Having one,
deep spiritual friendship certainly does not preclude other relationships of
depth; in fact, it will enhance those as you gain the ability to trust and to
strip off the layers of masking we tend to wear.
I Don’t Know How
I don’t know how to connect with people for that kind of
relationship. The secret is in starting where you’re at, looking
around at who you know, and then being deliberate and intentional in pursuing a
relationship with someone. Be alert when you gather with other women. Perhaps
you will hear another talk about a favorite author of yours, or a mutual friend
you share. Eleanor Roosevelt had it right: “If you approach each new person you
meet in a spirit of adventure, you will find yourself endlessly fascinated by
the new channels of thought and experience and personality that you
encounter."[xiv]
Train yourself to be curious about another person, and
listen for cues that say, I am a woman who is seeking after God’s heart.
Then go ahead and ask: I feel as though we have a lot in common. I wonder if
we could get together for lunch someday to get to know each other better. And right then and there, set a time
and place to meet. At some point, it is important and respectful to the other
woman to ask for what you want, whether it is someone to pray with once a week,
someone to mentor you or to provide spiritual direction, or someone to talk
with about the deepest issues of life and faith.
Trust
I can’t trust anyone within my church, within my
denomination. This is a statement that saddens me, but I know that for
some, it is true. There are legitimate reasons to use care within our ministry
hierarchy in developing relationships of depth. Dual relationships is one
reason, as is the reputation some churches have of gossip. Yet what is the
church? Is it truly a body of Christ? If so, then we cannot abdicate our responsibility
to seek out and model godly relationships. This is an area where it is essential
to choose wisely, and if you are feeling uneasy about a relationship, trust
your gut and use care in what you say and where you go with it. It may be
helpful to make that a topic of conversation; I am feeling really awkward
about what we’ve just talked about – I think maybe I shouldn’t have said what I
did – how is it making you feel? Talk about confidentiality – what is said
here stays here, unless you give me permission to share it with another.
Do not be afraid to go outside the local church to develop
these kinds of relationships. Three of my dearest friends have absolutely no
connection with my church, and that provides me with an unbiased arena for
sorting out concerns without any risk of repercussions. We can be so tied up
within the culture of the church that we live in a cultural Christian ghetto,
similar to the ethnic ghettos prior to World War II. It is refreshing for me to
have friendships where I have no status, no identity other than JoAnn, and we
can simply be two women, coming together in Christ, with no organizational
agenda.
Risk
I don’t think I can risk it. Friendship of
this nature is risky business. You can get hurt. You can hurt the other person.
C.S. Lewis reminds us:
To love at all
is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and
possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must
give your heart to no one . . . wrap it carefully with hobbies and little
luxuries, avoid all entanglements, lock it up safe in a casket . . . of your
own selfishness . . . there it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable,
impenetrable, irredeemable. [xv]
Listen to another perspective on risking:
“What is REAL?”
asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery
fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that
buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
“Real isn’t how
you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child
loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you,
then you become Real."
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was
always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he
asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t
happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time.
That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp
edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real,
most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose
in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because
once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t
understand."[xvi]
It comes down to a basic question: What do you want from
relationships in your life? If you truly desire relationships of “Real,” are
you willing to take the risk they ask of you? How transparent are you willing
to be? Dina Craik’s words, expressed more than a century ago, awaken a hunger
in me:
Oh, the comfort –
the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh
thought nor measure words – but pouring them all out – just as they are –
chaff and grain
together – certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them – keep what is
worth keeping – and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.[xvii]
Richard Rohr understands: “The risk, fear, and discipline
involved in loving rightly cause people to use religion to avoid the tremendous
amount of darkness and suffering that goes into the mature development of any
human relationship."[xviii]
The risk of deep relationships is that we are called to enter the darkness, to
suffer alongside our friends, risky business but sacred business as well.
What of relationships gone sour? Ruth Senter describes
that: “You pay. You pay dearly. Sometimes, in the aftermath, resentment builds.
Used. Disposed. Like a crumpled paper cup that no longer holds water. You write
“Going Out of Business” across the Good Samaritan that is in you, and you keep
yourself on the far side – the safe side – of the Jericho road."[xix]
Perhaps this has been your experience, and you now want to try again. Recognize
what went wrong, and assume the blame that rightfully belongs to you. Process
that reaction with someone, or, as you develop a new relationship or deepen an
existing one, be willing to be open about your past experience and how it may influence
the current relationship.
Good-byes
It will hurt too much to dig up the roots when we have to
move.
Ah, yes, it will. We are back to the Velveteen Rabbit issues. Of course, in
this day of enhanced communication methods, relocation does not necessarily
have to end friendships, but they surely become more difficult to maintain.
Consider Mitch Albom’s account of his good-bye to his former teacher, dying of
ALS, in Tuesdays with Morrie:[xx]
“My . . . dear friend . . . ,´he (Morrie) finally said.
I am your friend, I said.
“I’m not . . . so good today . . .”
Tomorrow will be better.
“You . . . are a good soul.”
A good soul.
“Touched me . . .” he whispered. He moved my hands to his
heart. “Here.”
Coach?
“Ahh?”
I don’t know how to say good-bye.
He patted my hand weakly, keeping it on his chest.
“This . . . is how we say . . . good-bye . . .”
He breathed softly, in and out. I could feel his rib cage
rise and fall. Then he looked right at me.
“Love . . . you,” he rasped.
I love you too, Coach.
“Know you do . . . know . . . something else . . ."
What else do you know?
“You . . . always have . . .”
As
Albom discovered and so beautifully describes throughout the book, when there
are no “hellos” of substance, there is no need for good-byes.
Joyce Rupp reminds us there is a blessedness in the pain
we feel:
The blessedness
in the ache within us is that when we grieve over the farewells, we both give
ourselves and find ourselves. We become one with whoever and whatever has met
us on our journey. We choose to invest ourselves deeply even though we know
that the investment might cost us the price of goodbyes and letting go. [xxi]
As painful as it is, the
alternative of shallow good-byes brings its own sorrow.
Cross-Generational Relationships
Part of our relational growth may include
cross-generational relationships. For the woman at midlife or beyond,
psychologist Brenda Hunter reminds us that Erikson’s task of midlife is
generativity – guiding the next generation:
Not only does
psychology tell us to pass the torch, but Scripture mandates it . . . so we
have no excuse for closing our hearts to younger women. And though our
lifestyles may have changed over the past thirty years, our emotional needs as
women have remained the same. All of us need someone to guide, encourage, and
love us. And for a young woman, that someone is an older woman rich in life
experience and wisdom who can help her define and shape her life.[xxii]
Titus 2 speaks about the relationship between older and
younger women. When I was in my twenties, with an infant and a toddler in the
house, the highlight of my week was the time spent with a group of women on
Monday mornings for Bible study and prayer. I was by far the youngest in that
group, but as I reflect on that time, I see it as a fellowship where each woman
was embraced for who she was, regardless of age or achievement. I didn’t realize
the dynamic at the time, but these women modeled a maturity in Christ that I
longed to attain, each in her own unique way. In this group I gained a release
for the tension I experienced in the roles of a wife, mother and pastor,
encouragement for my early attempts at song-writing, and a safe place to
nurture my faith. Thank you Hildred, Edie, Judy, Dottie, Alice, Shirley and
Diane, for all you gave me.
Male/Female Relationships
To this point, I have focused on woman-to-woman
friendships. Male/female relationships get more complicated, but are possible.
There are inherent dangers in them, particularly as the relationship can
threaten to become sexualized, but that doesn’t have to happen. Christ modeled
holy relationships with women, particularly with Mary of Bethany and Mary
Magdalene. As a teenager, I listened to Mary’s song “I Don’t Know How to Love
Him” from Jesus Christ Superstar and
heard the tension in her singing, but knew that because of who Christ was, the
implied sexual nature of the relationship by the writer of that song was not an
accurate picture of their relationship. Yet the depth of Mary’s devotion to
Christ (at the cross, at the tomb) indicates she was a woman who cared
intensely about this man, but with a passion that did not have to become
sexualized.
There certainly are varying opinions on this matter of
male/female friendship, but if we accept that they are possible between two
mature, godly people, it is still essential that appropriate hedges are placed
around the friendship to protect each person, because while we may be mature
and godly, we are also open to temptation. Suggested hedges are:
•
Both spouses
are aware of the relationship and are OK with it,
•
The other
spouse knows in advance where and when the friends are going to meet,
•
The man and
woman are aware of potential sexual tension, and discuss it openly if it begins
to impact the friendship,
•
The friends
agree only to meet in public places,
•
Each is
accountable to another person about the relationship.
Upon entering this kind of friendship it is vital to know
where you are most vulnerable. Do you feel neglected in your marriage? Are the
compliments few and far between? If so, the attention a male friend gives can
be very flattering – and dangerous. There is no excuse for being ignorant of
where you are most susceptible to the Evil One. This became evident for me a
number of years ago when a male friend and I tossed around the possibility of
writing music together. While it sounded like a good idea, I knew myself well
enough to realize this was a danger zone that touched potentially vulnerable
places within me. And so I had to say no, even though the music might have been
wonderful and inspirational to others.
With all these warnings, why even try? When these hedges
are in place, a male/female friendship can bring a richness to our lives that
we will otherwise miss. My male friends can say things to me that my female
friends wouldn’t even consider, or don’t even see. These relationships broaden
who I am, and teach me ways of relating to my husband and to other men I meet
in both the business and social arena. They also affirm me as a woman, and
often stretch me intellectually and spiritually. And in the receiving, I am
also able to give them a glimpse of the love of God that speaks from a feminine
heart.
Making It Happen
The bottom line of relationship building is that it takes
time, work, determination and courage. Someone must make the phone call, set
the date, name the place to gather. Sometimes it seems one-sided. Don’t let
that feeling take hold in you; bring it up to the other person so it can be
faced. Perhaps it is time to back off from the intensity of the friendship, or
maybe the other person is under a lot of pressure at home or at work and needs
you to take charge for a while. In healthy relationships, there does seem to be
an ebb and flow – one receives, the other gives – but then the balance shifts
again. Give them the benefit of the doubt, but speak honestly to it. We are
busy women, and the urgent can so easily crowd out the essential. Make sure your
relationships are given the priority in your planning they deserve.
Friendships do take work. Anything worth having in this
life takes work. When I am with my friend, I must be present to her. I must be
willing to listen, to laugh, to weep. I also must be willing to ask the hard
questions, and to answer them as well. This kind of relationship of depth
involves giving and receiving potentially painful feedback, but God uses it to
reveal both our sin and our dignity as image-bearers of God.
As for courage, yes, a caring, committed friendship does
take courage. When I hear my friend is going through a difficult time, my first
inclination is to want to rescue her, to pull her out of the mud puddle she is
sitting in. The courage of the relationship allows me to simply sit with her in
the mud, being available to her in silence, in waiting, and, if she desires, in
problem-solving or planning. It also includes the risk of being seen in my
nakedness by another’s eyes, with the courage to believe she will still love me
when she has seen the ugliness of my motives and behaviors.
Spoken Agenda
When I was able to spend an hour with my friend Janice,
she knew I was having a difficult time with some areas of my life. She simply
asked me, “how can I be a friend to you today? Do you want to talk about what
is going on for you, or do you want to forget about it for a while and talk
about other things?" At another time, she asked; “Will it be more helpful
to talk about this just now, or would you like to pray about it together?"
That is how we share our time together. We are specific about how long we are
able to stay, and will often say, this is what we want to cover today. That's
been very helpful, for since we live an hour apart, our time together is
limited, and we leave each other’s presence knowing we experienced what was
important to both of us that day.
Accountability
Mutual accountability may have a place in this kind of
friendship, depending on whether that is something you need from each other.
You may want to set that in a specific time frame, or have particular questions
you ask each other when you get together. While I don’t have a formalized
accountability partner, I do have people in my life that are good at asking me
the hard questions, and not letting me get away with the easy answers I want to
give. They know my heart, the dignity and depravity that exist within me, and
are willing to confront the depravity and call forth the dignity.
Prayer
Madeleine L’Engle and Luci Shaw are friends who lived on
opposite coasts of the United States. A part of their friendship, in which they
prayed together, is the subject of their book, A Prayerbook for Spiritual Friends. They shared in conversational
prayer, often on the telephone. Shaw describes their experience: "Praying
together has become our habit . . . We feel that even our dialog with each
other is prayer – the description of our circumstances, our needs – because God
is there with us, listening." [xxiii]
Prayer may be in person, on the phone, even over e-mail.
When I left a meeting with a dear friend last week, she said, “now I know how
to pray more specifically for you.” There have been times when I have e-mailed
a couple of close friends simply to ask: will you pray for me today – I am
facing a tough decision. I haven’t felt the need to explain, but simply to
ask.
Spiritual Conversation
We may not realize our hunger for spiritual conversation
until we have been the recipient of it and are able to appreciate how it has
fed our soul. Peterson describes this spiritual counsel as “easy, prayerful
conversation between companions engaged in a common task." He suggests
that Jesus used the word “friend” to describe his disciples in John 15:15,
therefore setting us in “a nonhierarchical, open, informal, spontaneous company
of Jesus-friends, who verbally develop relationships of responsibility and
intimacy by means of conversation.[xxiv]
How I long for open, honest conversation about spiritual
things, how the scripture I read today is impacting me, where I see God
revealing himself to me in a clearer way, or where I cannot see as I desire. As
I write these words, I realize I cannot have that kind of conversation with
everyone I know, but how grateful I am for those God has placed in my life who
are available for those words and questions. Sometimes I am the one who has to
steer the conversation in a more spiritual direction, but when I do, we are
both enriched because of that movement.
In Our Control
Smede’s words provide a fitting conclusion on this topic:
Each moment is a
new beginning. In every decision we swipe the Fates aside and take charge of
our future with another person. We change our mind, we improvise, we adjust, we
suffer, we wait, we forgive, we move in and out of love and we accommodate ourselves
to the shifting scenes of our life as we move from stage to stage on our
journey. And we can make all our moves, freely, on the foundation we created by
our commitments. We listen . . . we stay awake . . . we stay in tune with
reality . . . we forgive . . . we stay honest . . . [and] the final truth about
us – the truth that matters most – is our power to keep our human relationships
alive, our power to make and keep commitments . . . We cannot survive, cannot
preserve our humanity, without enduring relationships of caring love.[xxv]
So can you go for it? Can you work to deepen the
friendships you already have, or will you courageously seek out new
relationships? Perhaps you need to pick up the phone today, or renew
connections with a friend from your past. It truly is amazing how nourishing an
afternoon with a well-loved friend can be – I hope that gift is yours soon.
A Blessed Ache
It is with a blessed ache in the soul,
That we come to this moment in time,
For the days have been spent and the nights have
slipped away,
And now it's time to pray goodbye,
Good-bye dear friends,
how we love you,
We will ever
hold you close in our hearts,
And someday,
soon, we'll meet again I know,
And until then
God keep you in his care.
We'll forever pray for you with joy
Being confident of God's sustaining power,
For the one who began his good work in you,
Will be faithful to complete it with grace.
[i] Lynne Hybels, Nice
Girls Don't Change the World (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2005), 85-86.
[iii] Baker Miller,
85-86.
[iv]Bob Merrill, “People,” from Funny Girl.
[vi] Carol Gilligan, In a Different Voice (Boston, MA: Harvard University Press, 1982),
160.
[viii] Benedict Groeschal, Spiritual Passages for Those Who See: The Psychology of Spiritual
Development (New York, NY: Crossroad Publishing Company, 1959).
[xiii] Ruthellen Josselson, Finding Herself: Pathways to Identity Development for Women (San
Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 1987).
[xiv] Eleanor Roosevelt, source unknown.
[xv] C. S. Lewis, The
Four Loves (Orlando, FL: Harcourt Books, 1960).
[xvi] Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit (New York, NY: Knopf, 1985).
[xvii] Dina Craik. A
Life for a Life. (Leipzig: Bernhard Tauchnitz, 1859).
[xviii] Richard Rohr, source unknown.
[xix] Ruth Senter, The
Seasons of Friendship: A Search for Intimacy (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan,
1989).
[xx] Mitch Albom,
Tuesdays with Morrie (New York, NY:
Doubleday, 1997), 182-183.
[xxi] Joyce Rupp, Praying
our Goodbyes (Notre Dame, IN: Ave Maria Press, 1988), 29.
[xxiii] Madeleine L'Engle and Luci Shaw. A Prayerbook for Spiritual Friends
(Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg Fortress, 1999), 7.
[xxiv] Eugene Peterson, The Wisdom of Each Other: A Conversation Between Spiritual Friends (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1998),17.
