Does Character Still Count?

Does character matter? In these last days of the 2020 election cycle, the question weighs heavily regarding those vying for public office, whether on the federal, state or local level. I’m using the word character as the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual, not the “he’s quite a character” image. I also accept that attributes and behaviors such as integrity, hard work, kindness and self-control are consistent with the concept of good character. 

 

Good character is often written about in our sacred texts. The Jews were encouraged to live by the Ten Commandments, and the book of Proverbs has many enjoinders to a life of good character. Micah 6:8 sums up the actions of good character: “Act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God.” In the New Testament, followers of Jesus were challenged to have “compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience” (Colossians 3). In Islamic teaching, the person of faith does not unjustly harm other people with their words and actions. In the realm of faith, character matters.

 

Good character was evident in the lives of the early leaders of our country. In his book, “Founding Father,” Richard Brookhiser writes of George Washington: morals and manners were “the way he governed himself.” Ben Franklin went so far as to create a list of virtues to guide his personal living: temperance, silence (avoiding trifling conversation), order, resolution, frugality, industry (hard work), sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness, tranquility, chastity, and humility. Abraham Lincoln is recognized as a man of character, honored with the Abraham Lincoln Center for Character Development at Lincoln College. The center describes Lincoln: “Through constant practice and diligent effort . . . he treated others whom he encountered with honesty, humility, courage, justice, and grace.” If our American heritage still has value, character does matter.

 

In writing about political leadership, Benjamin Rossi suggests that “at minimum, we think that there is a moral threshold below which a politician is disqualified from the advantages of office. Where exactly that threshold lies is a matter of debate . . .” 

 

Here’s the challenge for me. Should this threshold of character be consistent regardless of party affiliation, or might it shift based on which candidate or party we favor? A favorite  source of wisdom is Yogi Berra, credited with advice such as, “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” His Yogi-isms are classic, even if not all sayings attributed to Mr. Berra actually were his. As Yogi famously said, “I never said most of the things I said.”

 

I’ve long thought Yogi said, “Where you stand depends on where you sit,” but the internet tells me these words were uttered by Rufus Miles Jr., of the Federal Bureau of the Budget in the late ‘40s. It does sound like Yogi might have said this, but no, this is Miles’ Law. It suggests that people will pursue policies that benefit the organizations or viewpoints they represent rather than national or collective interests. 

 

Here’s an example. The following two statements were made by a prominent person in the U.S.. First, “As it turns out, character does matter. You can’t run a family, let alone a country, without character. How foolish to believe that a person who lacks honesty and moral integrity is able to lead a nation and the world.” Yet he also said, “It is about values, and truth, and greatness, and hope. That is why the notion of choosing a president based on frivolous personality characteristics is so unfortunate.” I’m not sure how he defines “frivolous personality characteristics.” Kindness, honesty, care? For context, this first statement came in the midst of President Clinton’s impeachment trial; the second in recent days. Where you stand does depend on where you sit. 

 

When I talk with my granddaughters about how they act with their friends, I often caution: “Don’t be one of the mean girls.” Character still counts. How we treat others matters, in politics and on the playground. Today, I’ll let “Dear Abby” have the final word: “The best index to a person’s character is how he treats people who can’t do him any good.” Sound advice for 2020. 

 

 

Coffee, A Song, and Mercy

 “The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.” This iconic jingle has been percolating in our brains for nearly forty years, and now will come to mind at least three times today (you’re welcome). Despite their best efforts, the many years of advertising have not succeeded in drawing me into the fold, as I still haven’t learned to appreciate the taste of coffee.

 

If I don’t welcome the morning with a steaming cup of joe, what comes with the new day? I sometimes wake up with a hymn on my lips, such as the majestic tune Laudes Domini, “When morning gilds the skies, my heart awakening cries, ‘May Jesus Christ be praised.’” While I wish I could claim such religious fervor every day, I am just as likely to come to consciousness to “M-I-C-K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E,” the theme song for the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse our grandson, the charming Henry Kyle, loves to watch. 

 

My days of waking up to the wails of a newborn at 3 a.m. are long gone, but when the lovely Madelyn Simone and the delightful and determined Elizabeth Holiday spend the night, Lizzie likes to sneak into our bedroom early in the morning and stare at me as I sleep. I don’t mind if it’s at a reasonable hour, but a 5:30 a.m. visit can be downright freaky, especially if she reaches out and touches my arm or face. Yet mercifully, her early morning wake-up call results in the cuddle of a sleepy five-year-old. It’s all good.

 

As I wrote these words, I was determined to avoid the topics of politics and pandemics, and I kept my promise through three paragraphs, but I can’t help myself. All I’ll say about politics is this: when we wake up on Wednesday, November 4, one thing is certain: there won’t be any political ads on television. We may not know for sure who the president will be in 2021, but we will be extremely grateful to see more of Flo from Progressive.

 

As for the pandemic, concerns over COVID-19 are not as easily banished as political ads. In our first moments of waking, it’s possible to slip back into “before,” as often happens following the death of someone we love. We awaken to the buzz of the alarm or the early rays of sun sneaking past the curtains, unaware for a moment that our world has been changed forever. For some, the worldwide pandemic is merely an annoying inconvenience, while others wrestle with mounting debt, frustrations with on-line learning, and crippling anxiety. The invisibility of the virus and its tenacious ability to attack when least expected is unnerving. Even more so, many of our brothers and sisters here in Ohio and across the world face a new wave of mourning for loved ones who have succumbed to the virus, often dying alone. Mercy.

 

In autumn 2020, morning can bring a sense of dread, a feeling of fragility. As poet Mary Oliver understood, “It is a serious thing  - just to be alive – on this fresh morning – in this broken world.” J.R.R. Tolkien had a similar thought: “You can only come to the morning through the shadows.”

 

Yet we still come to the newness of morning with a cup of fresh-brewed coffee or a song to greet the day. Our morning may entail a rush to the bus stop, a trip to the computer on the dining room table; or even a turning from side to side as we fight against the beckoning day. Life is difficult. We are so weary. But we need not give in to despair.

 

Dr. Seuss encourages us: “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” Poet Thomas Chisholm drew upon the book of Lamentations when he wrote: “Morning by morning new mercies I see.” As an alternative to despair, the compassionate forbearance that defines mercy can be claimed as a watchword, accepted as a gift of grace, and extended toward others. Is it possible that steering in the direction of new mercy could end up being the best part of waking up?  

 

VOTE!

Much like the Dover/New Philadelphia football rivalry or the Massillon/McKinley showdown, the battle between the Tonawanda Warriors and the North Tonawanda Lumberjacks is historic, the longest football rivalry in the state of New York. This is T-NT week, but due to COVID-19, the high school football season in western New York is postponed until March 2021, so there’s no explosive action on the gridiron on either side of the Erie Canal. 

 

Memories of frozen fingers and scalding hot chocolate are vivid, as is the game I missed in seventh grade because my secretive plan to meet a boyfriend was foiled. Many October nights in the early 70s were spent with a box of Kleenex in my lap, folding, stapling and fluffing hundreds of pastel-tinted flowers in preparation for the T-NT car parade, one of the annual events leading up to the football game. Pink, yellow, green, blue and white flowers adorned every convertible in town, as the parade wound its way from the high school to the football field – or was it the other way around? Too many cobwebs in my memory to capture that detail.

 

I’ve thought about that car parade as I’ve seen images of political parades in these weeks leading up to the presidential election. I haven’t seen any tissue flowers, but flags, patriotic bunting, crepe paper streamers and lots of cheers have accompanied “parades” across our country this fall. Car parades have formed weekly, some in support of the incumbent while others are “ridin’ with Biden.” Motorcycles have been on the move as well, showing their political colors. On gorgeous fall afternoons, Trumptilla boat parades have generally gone off without a hitch, although a Texas event ended up with at least four sunken vessels. Sheriff spokesperson Kristen Dark noted, “We had an exceptional number of boats on the lake today. When they all started moving at the same time, it generated significant waves.” Oops. 

 

Long a fan of Amtrak, Vice President Biden and his wife Jill traveled through Ohio and Western Pennsylvania by train recently, reminiscent of the whistle stop tours of many nineteenth century candidates. But my favorite so far is the parade of 300+ decorated golfcarts at The Villages in Florida, the world’s largest retirement community, as residents formed a procession to deliver their early-voting ballots. 

 

What’s next, a Plain Parade? Well, apparently the Bikers for Trump beat me to that idea, with a September event in Fredericksburg, Ohio featuring Amish buggies, a charter bus, some single riders on horseback who looked like Civil War re-enactors, and a red convertible, all available to view on YouTube. There were even a couple of folks riding bareback on oxen. Thanks, but I’ll stick to the convertible.

 

Caravans, flotillas and car parades can give us relief after weeks of sitting at home in our bathrobes, eating bon-bons and making Kleenex flowers (not your story?). But like my high school car parade, pep rally and bonfire, none of the hype really matters. At the end of the week, it’s about the results on the football field. Unfortunately for the Warriors, their school is much smaller than the Lumberjacks, and as of 2018, they had lost eighteen consecutive rivalry games to their arch-nemesis. But in 2019, the “T” in T-NT was finally victorious. Hope springs eternal.

 

In case you haven’t seen the parades, this is election season. Did you know that in 2016, 42% of eligible voters did not cast a ballot in the presidential election? Two out of every five potential voters didn’t vote. Forget the political parades and rallies – what matters most in this long corona-tinged autumn is the willingness of the citizens of the United States of America to vote. 

 

This election is no high school football rivalry. As former President Dwight D. Eisenhower understood, “The future of this republic is in the hands of the American voter.” Make a plan. Vote early at the BOE, request an absentee ballot, or vote at the booth on November 3, 2020. Beyoncé passionately reminds us: “We are not helpless. The fire is still burning . . . Get in formation [golf carts optional] . . . Please go out and vote this November.”  

 

 

Wear the Mask

When my sister was born in the early 60s, she arrived home from the hospital in my mother’s arms, and subsequently traveled in a car bed when we went for Sunday afternoon rides. Now, babies can’t leave the hospital without proof of a properly installed car seat. Times change, knowledge changes, and a community changes its practices based on what they learn about health and safety. It’s what we do to keep those we love safe.

 

The charming Henry Kyle Shade, our first grandson, is now eighteen months old, and he’s fascinated with how objects fit together. When we get in the car, he doesn’t fuss about being strapped into his car seat, especially if I let him try to buckle the top buckle – it’s all he’s known. It’s what we do to keep him safe.

 

The delightful and determined Elizabeth Holiday has now entered her third month of kindergarten, and her body has begun to adjust to her new schedule. She didn’t fall asleep on the bus ride home at all this week! Each morning, she gathers up her backpack, water bottle, and scannable ID badge, and then she picks out which mask to wear for the day, choosing between face coverings decorated with rainbows, unicorns, or slices of pizza. She doesn’t fuss about putting on her mask – it’s all she’s known since beginning kindergarten. It’s what we do to keep her safe. And it’s also what we do to keep her community of rambunctious five-year-olds, school bus drivers (bless their hearts), teachers, janitors, principals and cooks safe.

 

Ah, the mask. Who would have guessed that the most debated political symbol of 2020 would be a humble face mask? Or that the question, to wear or not to wear, would cause such controversy. Actually, a careful student of history might have anticipated the reaction, for as Christine Hauser explains, there is truly nothing new under the sun. 

 

In the 1918-19 influenza pandemic, “medical authorities urged the wearing of masks to help slow the spread of disease,” and, like today, some people resisted. Hauser tells of a Mr. Cocciniglia who was arrested for not wearing a mask, and told the judge that he “was not disposed to do anything not in harmony with his feelings.” Déjà vu, anyone? As Hauser explains, “masks became a scapegoat, a symbol of government overreach, inspiring protests, petitions and defiant bare-face gatherings. All the while, thousands of Americans were dying in a deadly pandemic.” 

 

On July 8, 2020, Dr. Joshua Scantarpi of the National Strategic Research Institute put it this way: “Several recent studies have demonstrated that universal mask wear reduces the spread of COVID-19.” While I’m sure I can dig up some kind of study that refutes Dr. Scantarpi’s comment, the vast majority of scientific research indicates that wearing a mask can save lives – potentially my life, your life and the lives of others. 

 

Here’s how I’m looking at it these days. If there was one action I could take that would be minimally uncomfortable for me but 100% effective in protecting the life of another human being, would I do it? Of course. Even if it was only 50% effective, even if only 25% effective? Yes. I wear a mask for the same reason I buckle Henry into his car seat, not because it’s the law, but for the one day when someone blows through a red light and plows into my car. 

 

In these days of COVID-19, some have chosen to forgo mask-wearing for a variety of reasons: disbelieving the science, following the example of another, political expediency, or, perhaps like Mr. Cocciniglia, just “not disposed to do anything not in harmony with [their] feelings.”

 

When having difficulty with a cell phone, we’re advised to make a “hard reset,” an action that clears all the memory associated with the hardware and updates to the new version. Now is the time for a mask hard reset, a time to erase the memory of the early questions or of the desire to save face politically. Reset today. Wear the mask. It’s what we do to keep our community safe.    

 

Any Bullies in Your World?

I recently had a conversation with a friend who was concerned about the actions of one of her staff members. As she described the behaviors being exhibited, it became clear that she was facing a textbook case of bullying: seeking to harm, intimidate or coerce , especially in regards to someone who is perceived as vulnerable.

Consider these images of bullies: Scut Farkus in “A Christmas Story.” Buzz McCallister in “Home Alone.” Johnny Lawrence in “Karate Kid.” And not to leave out women, Nurse Ratched in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”

Scut Farkus pours it on to Ralphie: “Listen, jerk! When I tell you to come, you better come!” As Ralphie starts quivering, Scut continues. “What? Are you gonna cry now? Cry, cry for me crybaby! Cry!” Here’s how Ralphie described his nemesis: “He had yellow eyes!”

Sherri Gordon explains that not all bullies are the same. “Each has a different style and uses different tactics to intimidate and control their victims. For instance, some kids that bully are very sly about how they attack their target, while others are downright mean.”

The stopbullying.gov website suggests that bullying is “unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children,” but in my experience, bullying isn’t limited to one age group, especially where there is a perceived power imbalance, as in Nurse Ratched’s “treatment” of her patients.

As I talked about this with my concerned friend, an experienced and effective leader, we struggled to devise a plan to address the situation she was facing. The options to intervene seemed limited, especially because the bullying woman had ingratiated herself with my friend’s supervisor.

I turned to a fascinating website, ta-tutor.com, for practical ideas, and they offered some advice on the topic of bullying. First, they explained that the signs to look for include dominance, blaming, micromanagement, thrashing (no personal control, aimless direction, no problem solving) and trashing (undignified words and behaviors ).

They suggested that confrontation with a bully be done privately, with clear limits about what will and will not be accepted in regards to their behavior and words. By using the model, “Bring it up, talk it up, wrap it up,” we can calmly and rationally give the appropriate information. And, when dealing with a bully, “Don’t work without a net. Develop support with peers. Have an exit plan. Prepare.” Invaluable.

I’ve used another of their ideas from time to time, described as a “power play stopper.” WAM – wait a minute. Our reaction to conflict does not have to be immediate. It is possible to say, “wait a minute.” Let me think about that for a bit. Or, if that fails, a quick trip to the restroom can give a breather to a tense situation.

One additional gem of wisdom on this topic, as my counseling supervisor, Dr. Mike Misja, taught. “Don’t be surprised when Betty acts like Betty.” We know Betty. We’ve seen her in action. We’ve been on the receiving end of her attacks. And yet, we’re still surprised when she acts just like the person we know. Because we want to believe she can change, we’re hurt once again when she doesn’t. Be prepared.

In “Powers of the Weak,” Elizabeth Janeway recognized that those in stronger positions succeed because “the weak accept the current definition of how things are.” She recommends the tasks of the weak – first, to disbelieve, “refusing to accept the definition of oneself . . . which is put forth by the powerful. ”

Next, the strategy is to come together, and to act in common pursuit of the shared goals.

Ralphie had enough and beat up Scut. To Buzz’s surprise, Kevin discovered his resilience while home alone. The Karate Kid persevered and ultimately triumphed over the bullies. At great cost to himself, Randle McMurphy exposed Nurse Ratched and her tools of shame and guilt. Octavia Butler’s words ring true: “Not everyone has been a bully or the victim of bullies, but everyone has seen bullying, and seeing it, has responded to it by joining in or by objecting, by laughing or keeping silent . . .” Any bullies in your world? Might it be time to gather your safety net and break the silence?