Any Bullies in Your World?

I recently had a conversation with a friend who was concerned about the actions of one of her staff members. As she described the behaviors being exhibited, it became clear that she was facing a textbook case of bullying: seeking to harm, intimidate or coerce , especially in regards to someone who is perceived as vulnerable.

Consider these images of bullies: Scut Farkus in “A Christmas Story.” Buzz McCallister in “Home Alone.” Johnny Lawrence in “Karate Kid.” And not to leave out women, Nurse Ratched in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”

Scut Farkus pours it on to Ralphie: “Listen, jerk! When I tell you to come, you better come!” As Ralphie starts quivering, Scut continues. “What? Are you gonna cry now? Cry, cry for me crybaby! Cry!” Here’s how Ralphie described his nemesis: “He had yellow eyes!”

Sherri Gordon explains that not all bullies are the same. “Each has a different style and uses different tactics to intimidate and control their victims. For instance, some kids that bully are very sly about how they attack their target, while others are downright mean.”

The stopbullying.gov website suggests that bullying is “unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children,” but in my experience, bullying isn’t limited to one age group, especially where there is a perceived power imbalance, as in Nurse Ratched’s “treatment” of her patients.

As I talked about this with my concerned friend, an experienced and effective leader, we struggled to devise a plan to address the situation she was facing. The options to intervene seemed limited, especially because the bullying woman had ingratiated herself with my friend’s supervisor.

I turned to a fascinating website, ta-tutor.com, for practical ideas, and they offered some advice on the topic of bullying. First, they explained that the signs to look for include dominance, blaming, micromanagement, thrashing (no personal control, aimless direction, no problem solving) and trashing (undignified words and behaviors ).

They suggested that confrontation with a bully be done privately, with clear limits about what will and will not be accepted in regards to their behavior and words. By using the model, “Bring it up, talk it up, wrap it up,” we can calmly and rationally give the appropriate information. And, when dealing with a bully, “Don’t work without a net. Develop support with peers. Have an exit plan. Prepare.” Invaluable.

I’ve used another of their ideas from time to time, described as a “power play stopper.” WAM – wait a minute. Our reaction to conflict does not have to be immediate. It is possible to say, “wait a minute.” Let me think about that for a bit. Or, if that fails, a quick trip to the restroom can give a breather to a tense situation.

One additional gem of wisdom on this topic, as my counseling supervisor, Dr. Mike Misja, taught. “Don’t be surprised when Betty acts like Betty.” We know Betty. We’ve seen her in action. We’ve been on the receiving end of her attacks. And yet, we’re still surprised when she acts just like the person we know. Because we want to believe she can change, we’re hurt once again when she doesn’t. Be prepared.

In “Powers of the Weak,” Elizabeth Janeway recognized that those in stronger positions succeed because “the weak accept the current definition of how things are.” She recommends the tasks of the weak – first, to disbelieve, “refusing to accept the definition of oneself . . . which is put forth by the powerful. ”

Next, the strategy is to come together, and to act in common pursuit of the shared goals.

Ralphie had enough and beat up Scut. To Buzz’s surprise, Kevin discovered his resilience while home alone. The Karate Kid persevered and ultimately triumphed over the bullies. At great cost to himself, Randle McMurphy exposed Nurse Ratched and her tools of shame and guilt. Octavia Butler’s words ring true: “Not everyone has been a bully or the victim of bullies, but everyone has seen bullying, and seeing it, has responded to it by joining in or by objecting, by laughing or keeping silent . . .” Any bullies in your world? Might it be time to gather your safety net and break the silence?