No - and Yes!

When Ronald Reagan began his presidency in 1981, his wife Nancy took on a campaign of her own to reduce the use of recreational drugs.  She first introduced “Just say no” thirty years ago in a school in California, and it became her marquee platform during her time as First Lady.  “Just Say No” clubs were formed in schools, and Reagan even appeared in Diff“rent Strokes to spread the word.  When asked about the campaign, she said, “If you can save just one child, it’s worth it.” 

I’m not sure if any of those clubs are still in existence here in Ohio, but if they are, I know a little girl who wants to join.  Our granddaughter, the lovely Madelyn Simone, is firmly entrenched in the land of no.  I attempted to put her in her car seat, only to be met with a blood-curdling “nooooooooo,” flailing arms and an arched back.  When we got back home, I tried to take her out of her car seat and heard the same refrain – “No.”  Let’s put your shoes on.  No.  Let’s take your shoes off.  No.  It’s time to go potty.  With this one, she looked me straight in the eyes, put on her mean face and blatantly said NO. 

Since we were on quite a roll, I tried another tactic.  Do you want a freezer pop?  Yes.  So much for reverse psychology.  Yet as frustrating as her behavior is for her parents and grandparents, Madelyn is doing exactly what she should be doing at age 2.  As developmental psychologist  Erik Erikson would suggest, it’s all about autonomy.   She’s developing a sense of personal control over physical skills and seeking independence.   

Observing this particular stage of life from the perspective of a grandparent is fascinating to me, especially because I don’t need to deal with it 24/7 – she can go home!  But it has challenged me to think about the role of “no” and “yes” in our daily lives.  Just as some have “the glass is half empty” perspective on life, some of us may be stuck in a Madelyn time warp, where a “no” comes to our lips much easier than a “yes.”  I’m not sure that’s a healthy or happy place to pitch a tent.

Recent Harvard grad Adrienne Lee explains: “It’s a mindset that says that when offered the opportunity to enjoy a valuable new experience, or to enrich a social relationship, I will try to prioritize such an opportunity.”   While it may be a great tool for a college student exploring the possibilities for the future,  “yes” remains an important word for just about any age group – at least when it comes to the positive choices in our lives.

While it may be healthy for Madelyn to use “no” to seek her independence, I’ve decided to put more “yes” into my life.  I want to say yes to trying something I’d normally avoid (but not skydiving), tasting a new food (but not sushi), or listening to a different genre of music (not going to offend anyone with this one).   Instead of the default setting “no,” I can choose to say yes unless I have a strong reason to say no.  Now, please do not give my number to your favorite telemarketer - I do need to draw the line somewhere.

 As for Madelyn, getting in the car seat is non-negotiable, so a “no” simply isn’t acceptable, but if she wants to walk around with one shoe on, well, go for it, girl. But I also want her to have more “yes” in her life, so it’s time to introduce her to one of her father’s favorite books – Mercer Mayer’s All By  Myself. I can kick my ball, I can roll on the ground, I can put on my socks - all by myself.  Yes, you can, Miss Madelyn.

Ashland Seminary’s long-time professor Dr. Jerry Flora often prays, “For what lies ahead, we say ‘yes.’”  That’s what living fully, living in faith, is all about.  So despite our very different stages in life, here’s hoping Madelyn and I can both join the “just say yes” club – at least until she becomes a teen-ager.