Snitches Get Stitches

When I’m feeling especially brave, the delightful Elizabeth Holiday (now ten months old) and I join the lovely Madelyn Simone for lunch in her elementary school cafeteria. Because of limited space, each grade has its own twenty-minute slot, with the kindergarteners assigned to the final time period. All I can say is, “There’s a special place in heaven for lunchroom attendants.”

Watching the children in that setting, it’s obvious there is a lot to learn in kindergarten. Robert Fulghum sold seven million copies of “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten,” with lessons such as play fair, don’t hit people, clean up your own mess, and flush, all good counsel for children and adults. I especially like this suggestion: “Think what a better world it would be if we all had cookies and milk around three o’clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap.” But I’ve also learned a couple of lessons from the kindergarten lunchroom that Fulghum didn’t mention in his book.

The first comes from observing how the children eat their lunch each day. Since there is no one to tell them differently at this first table of independence, ninety per cent of them eat their dessert first. I doubt they ever saw the picture of the women at the dessert table on the Titanic with this caption: “Life is uncertain – eat dessert first.” No, they eat their dessert first because it tastes good – and they can!

Writing in “Operating Instructions,” a journal of her first year with her son, author Anne Lamott makes this observation: “Self-love is 80% of the solution, that it helps beyond words to take yourself through the day . . . with great humor and lots of small treats.” Whether as a frazzled new mom with a distressed baby or as a sibling up to your neck in one of those bizarre family situations that can only happen to you, great humor and lots of small treats work quite well, especially if chocolate is included.

The second lesson isn’t quite as pleasant. On each of my visits, one of Madelyn’s classmates assumed the responsibility to tell me what Madelyn did wrong that day. “Madelyn didn’t finish her work.” “Madelyn was talking in the classroom.” “Madelyn got up to get a spoon without asking permission.” Give me a break, little Miss Tattletale. Don’t you know that snitches get stitches?

The lesson, as painful as it is, is this: you can’t trust everyone to have your back. There will be snitches, tattletales, even betrayers looking out for their own good. They may not be as obvious about it as the lunchroom squealer, but we’re bound to encounter our share of them in kindergarten and beyond.

I’ve watched a similar scenario unfold on social media this past week. I’m part of a group of people on Facebook who have a common interest and who joined a group with the expressed understanding among the members that “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” In this non-public group with membership by invitation only, an undetermined group member sent a potentially detrimental screen shot of the discussion to a person of authority outside the group, not the first time this has happened. Why? The sing-song “I’m gonna get you in trouble” does come to mind.

As I read the comments of disgust and indignation when this betrayal was reported, I thought again, “It’s all right there in kindergarten.” For on my last school visit, one of the other girls came to Madelyn’s rescue and told the offender in no uncertain terms: “Stop being a tattletale.” And that’s what happened on Facebook. The group quickly circled the wagons, assuring the victim of both their outrage and care, and reminding all members of the agreed upon manners of the group.

Betrayal stings, but the support of those around us can see us through. Fulghum reminds us of the way: “And it is still true, no matter how old you are when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.” Words of wisdom for kindergarten, social media, and life. And don’t forget the dessert!